7-2-2010

What's the difference between Hong Kong and China? You might ask this if you're a foreigner, but that's totally normal, but it's not when you're from mainland China.

China, a place that has no freedom. Government controls their thoughts, movement...... their life. For example, cheap labor in China. They can never get rid of the pathetic job, because their government do not care. Don't blame on the foreign companies, it's not all their fault. Look at the China government, they do not protect their people, they let them suffer because all they care about is money. They wouldn't take the risk to stop those companies because they can always move their factories to other poor countries, so they keep let them ruining their land, life and integrity...... If the government really mean to stop them, where is the difficulty?

How miserable, the way they treat their own kind.

Those half-witted Chinese, don't even know the fact of their own country. They can never talk about Tiananmen Square protests of 1989, which is a shame that the Chinese can never cover, though they've been trying to do so. The Chinese don't know the truth, the older ones tried to cover it, and they succeeded, but not in Hong Kong. We know the fact, the truth, we do! How I want to scream it out, "WE KNOW HOW DIRTY AND UGLY CHINA IS!! WE KNOW WHAT THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO HIDE!!" As I said, Hong Kong has freedom, we have the right to seek for facts, and about everything, including the taboo in China. The ignorant Chinese, loving their country without knowing anything real about it.

Sigvart, the Norway boy I met in Hong Kong, once told me that he saw a huge difference between Hong Kong and China, and I believe the way we live, is even more different. "Chinese people are RETARDED! Hong Kong People are SMART!" that's what he exactly told me.

I'm from Hong Kong, we are from Hong Kong, we are Hong Kongness. Do not misunderstand us with Chinese, we are different.

Do I hate Chinese? I believe that's what's on your mind. But I can't answer, as I don't know. They are human, like all of us. Maybe I don't hate Chinese, only their government and policies.

Now, they're trying to control Hong Kong, we're losing our freedom. How I hope that Hong Kong is still part of England... but it can never happen. When I open my eyes in the morning, I have to admit the fact that Hong Kong is going to hell.

Human rights? There's no such a thing in China, in Hong Kong, yes... for now.

7-2-2010

I don't know about you, but I can never write anything when I'm forcing myself to write.

I've been having no inspiration lately. I tried that before but not long like this. I don't know if I've rested to long since my exams or what, but it's killing me. I always had things to blog and things to tell, but now it seems like they're all gone. I don't know where to fine my inspiration back. I'm helpless.

Am I reading too many Chinese book? Is it because I left Kevin? Is it because I became too competitive? Is it because of the unseen pressure?

I can't force myself to write, I can't force myself to think. That's how it is. When The King, Michael Jackson, wrote Billy Jean he was driving, and when he forced himself to write, it came out nothing. So is my case normal? I can't tell. My heart and brain stopped working, there must be a reason, or some reasons, only I'm not aware of that.

I'm having a writing competition, "A Healthy Life", I had a wrong idea at first but now I have another one, a very strong one I think. If I write it right I would have a chance. But the problem is I can't. I can't think of beautiful words and suitable descriptions. They're all out of my head. I used to have lots of words that even have the same meaning running in my head, and they let me to choose if any of them is better for my writing, and now they left me alone, being helpless.

Maybe the pressure of mine is the cause of it. The unwearable pressure I make, always put me down and give me faith, and this time, it's not helping at all.

I know that I won't win anything if the competition is so well-known and everyone is participating. There're millions of people are smarter than me, but the aggressive heart of mine can never let it go. Once it wants something, it doesn't quit easily, not until the end. But it's not usually that arrogant like this time, and I believe it's because my name was on a newspaper. It was "my" writing being published, when I first finished, Ms. Lovelace made the correction, then their editor made the correction...... The writing wasn't mine, it became theirs. "Winnie Yau", how irony, it should be "Written by Winnie Yau, edited by our editor".

However, it was still my name, and it built confidence and courage, but no humbleness, the only thing I want from that.

I want to write and think again, like I used to. The pure, innocent mind, without thinking anything but the story I want to tell, without the aggressive, competitive heart.

5-2-2010

Friday night, the last school day before Chinese New Year Holiday, Jessica and I went out.

I met someone special, not her boyfriend...... but probably he will be. He was her unclear relationship friend.

We had dinner together, it was the first time I saw him, but I wasn't dramatic. I hate to be hypocritical, and detest those who live with that personality.

I think he liked me, maybe he thought I was funny... and a little bit crazy.

Anyway, we didn't spend much time together...... I mean, they did, we didn't.

He took her home and they were together for almost the whole night, of course I wasn't that stupid to stay with them. I left way earlier than you think.

But it felt really awful when I saw them holding hands and walking together. I was walking alone next to them, I don't know how did people see us. Actually it was Jessica's idea that we could hang out together, but maybe she didn't beware of people's minds, I didn't neither, otherwise I would have rejected her.

People stared like I was bothering the couple, without knowing the fact. I was born to look a bit bitchy, and it could be a story... "That girl is upset because the prettier girl next to her got the boy she loves and she's now bothering them." At least I could think of that, the very wrong story.

But the point was Jessica was happy. I wasn't the substance of tonight. However, I get jealous so easily. When me and Haylie go out, I dress special as I want to attract guys. And we go to different places that contain foreigners, where I never go with Jessica. She doesn't adore western culture like me and Haylie. Even though she should be the better-looking girl tonight, I still feel jealous. And that night she was prettier way more than me.

I felt shame.

I guess Jessica just wanted me to meet him, and hoped that I'd support her no matter if she and him'd be together or not. She still trusts me although so much has happened. I hope that's true, instead of me being naive or over imaginative.

And I realized one thing -- I do not belong there, where normal young teenagers like. Or maybe I just don't like to be with them. I enjoy to be with Haylie much more than that. Westerners and Hong Kongness, which would I prefer to attract? Westerners for sure. At least I'm appreciated, while the Hong Kongness treat me like shit.

Yes, that's where I belong to, the streets that belong to Westerners.

24-1-2010

Last night I had a dream about Matthew Grindstaff. In my dream, he called, he said he had came back from navy training. I could hear his voice, like it was all real. But the fact is, I heard his voice before, that call was just memories in my head.

I know how I need him. Not like a boyfriend, but like a very good friend, or even like a family member. I still remember those advices he gave me. He was so honest, he was always right, right about everything.

I also remember I couldn't help him with anything while he helped me with everything. How useless I am, like a childlike, naive little girl seeking for help, and he was like my brother, helped me with all those I didn't know.

I miss him.

I told him I would pray for him everyday. And yes I do pray before I sleep, except a few times that I fell asleep accidentally and didn't pray properly, hope God didn't mind... and hope He knows that I wish Matt is okay, and I wish that He'd protect him from dangers, fears and troubles, like He does to everyone else.

22-1-2009

I just woke up, and I had a nightmare, I want to write it down before I forget. I know it means something, but you'll never understand if you don't know the stories I always want to tell. So now I'm just going to write about my dream.

I was with Jessica, my outfit was hot. I flirted with every guys I met, messing around. We went to a little shop that sold make-up stuffs, there were about 4 women sitting around the counter, chatting, like those in reality. There was a guy sitting outside the shop. I messed with him... no, I didn't mean to. I was being wanton with my friends, then he looked at me. I don't remember his face exactly, but I was scared, I still remember that feeling, like I knew something was going to happen.

Jessica and I hid in the shop.

What came next, I don't remember, I just remember he hurt me, I don't know if he did it at my school or somewhere else.

He cut me from my chest down to my stomach. I bled, helplessly. I didn't really try to call for help, because he didn't only hurt me, he even killed other people. But I didn't die in my dream.

I lived a few more days after he hurt me. I was at school. I saw my schoolmates, those who always make me laugh in real life. It seemed like they didn't know what happened. I told them "I'm almost gone", I asked them if I could get them anything before that...... let me make it clear, actually I only dreamed 2 of my friends as I remember, one was the one who sits next to me, another one was Matthew.

I saw Meredith on a corridor outside school office, she was walking, looked at me like she does in real life... no, she glanced at me, it wasn't looking, neither in real life, nor in my dream.

Now, done with remembering. I'm going to write about how I feel.

First, about the man. He cut me, deeply. I should be dead but I wasn't, I lived for a while. I feel like it's a curse, like when someone put it on you, you don't die right away, but let you live a few more days to regret and say goodbye to the others.

Second, about what I wore. I do have that outfit, it wasn't my imagination. I wore that out for 2 nights, my mum didn't like it. But I had guys came talk to me when I was wearing it, and people stared, grated me as a nice girl. My mum thought that I'd get into trouble with that outfit, and I almost did; In my dream, I did.

Third, Meredith. I don't understand why she'd appear. But in reality, at this moment, I'm kinda afraid of her, her eyes, her face, her glances, like she detests me.

21-1-2009

I don't know if I'm telling you the second story, I just want to blog.

I'm so suspicious. I think too much. In my age, everything should be simple, I should be unaware of everything. But why do I always try to read people's faces? Why do I want to know so much?

Looking away, blink one or two times. I'd think that person has something on his/her mind; A talking crowd, suddenly one person become silent. I'd think that person is unhappy, or ignored by the others, or maybe that person is different from that crowd; Class is noisy, teacher is not smiling, eyes look over the class, nothing to say. I'd think that teacher is not able to control that class, annoyed.

I look too much, think too often, maybe make up something that doesn't even exist and scare myself. Sometimes I want to stop thinking, to live simply, now it's complicated in my head. But what comes when I notice nothing? It'd become more annoying. I prefer knowing everything, at least know what is going on, in case I'd do anything stupid.

I think a lot, and I grow up faster than the others around me. I'm not saying that I'm very different, just a little bit, mentally. At least I think I am. Last year I think Jessica is cool, now I think she is childish. Maybe she changed, that I believe she did. She became so different from me, I think of my future and she think of her own profit at present, without worrying any consequences. Swearing without emotion. Childish. I was once like her, but now, I'm more grown-up.

20-1-2009

I've been running from here for a while. I stopped blogging since my exams. But during this stressful moment, a lot of things happened, I have stories to tell.

Before the exams, my English teacher, Ms. Lovelace, also came back from her Christmas holiday. She went back to America. I had her lesson that morning, she told me to meet her after the lesson, she said she had something for me. That day was a mess, everyone was talking so loud. She was a bit upset... no, not just a bit. I could tell, she was just pretending like it was alright. Again, I didn't stand up for her, though she had been really good to me. After the lesson, I went with her alone, and she got me a Michael Jackson t-shirt and poster from America. I was completely amazed! My eyes opened wide and I couldn't think of anything to thank her, my mouth was opened but no words came out. I could just barely say "thank you so much" again and again. She smiled.

I knew how much they costed, at least not that cheap, even in America. Why did she treat me so well? She always treats me well, but why? I'm only a student, who she only knows for a few months. She likes me a lot, maybe my English is the cause of it, but I'm still thankful. Then again, I've done nothing as return, I've done no favor for her, I've never stood up for her. I feel shame.

As I blogged before, I can't control my mind and heart. Under my appreciation, there was another voice, asking "If Justin beats you, would she change?" the suspicious, intimidated voice. My answer for that would be "no", just because that's what I want to hear. However, in reality, maybe it'd be "yes". Don't misunderstand me, I do trust Ms. Lovelace, I'm just too careful, and suspicious. I believe that if I predict the worst for everything, then nothing really hurts me that much.

This is the first story I want to share, soon there'll be more. And thank you, Ms. Lovelace.