7-2-2010

I don't know about you, but I can never write anything when I'm forcing myself to write.

I've been having no inspiration lately. I tried that before but not long like this. I don't know if I've rested to long since my exams or what, but it's killing me. I always had things to blog and things to tell, but now it seems like they're all gone. I don't know where to fine my inspiration back. I'm helpless.

Am I reading too many Chinese book? Is it because I left Kevin? Is it because I became too competitive? Is it because of the unseen pressure?

I can't force myself to write, I can't force myself to think. That's how it is. When The King, Michael Jackson, wrote Billy Jean he was driving, and when he forced himself to write, it came out nothing. So is my case normal? I can't tell. My heart and brain stopped working, there must be a reason, or some reasons, only I'm not aware of that.

I'm having a writing competition, "A Healthy Life", I had a wrong idea at first but now I have another one, a very strong one I think. If I write it right I would have a chance. But the problem is I can't. I can't think of beautiful words and suitable descriptions. They're all out of my head. I used to have lots of words that even have the same meaning running in my head, and they let me to choose if any of them is better for my writing, and now they left me alone, being helpless.

Maybe the pressure of mine is the cause of it. The unwearable pressure I make, always put me down and give me faith, and this time, it's not helping at all.

I know that I won't win anything if the competition is so well-known and everyone is participating. There're millions of people are smarter than me, but the aggressive heart of mine can never let it go. Once it wants something, it doesn't quit easily, not until the end. But it's not usually that arrogant like this time, and I believe it's because my name was on a newspaper. It was "my" writing being published, when I first finished, Ms. Lovelace made the correction, then their editor made the correction...... The writing wasn't mine, it became theirs. "Winnie Yau", how irony, it should be "Written by Winnie Yau, edited by our editor".

However, it was still my name, and it built confidence and courage, but no humbleness, the only thing I want from that.

I want to write and think again, like I used to. The pure, innocent mind, without thinking anything but the story I want to tell, without the aggressive, competitive heart.