30-8-2009

Why would you start a conversation when you first know the conversation is not working?

I don't know if it happens to any of you but it happens to me almost everyday that when you don't have anything to talk about, you still start conversation with someone.

I don't know why I do it all the time. Since when? It might be started half a year ago, or even longer ago. It feels empty, when you're running out of words to say and that person is not responding.

I can never be the closest to someone forever. Just like when I started to know Kevin, we talked a lot, until around 6 months ago, we got further and further. If you ask me what is he up to, I can't answer it. But before, I'd tell you he is working on his performance or stuff. The closest friend can be the furthest.

And since one of my closest friend has set me up, I don't trust people that much.

It has been a while that I haven't missed someone. I already forgot when was it, but there's a long while that my mind keeps thinking about Kevin, well not just Kevin... many people. There is always someone on my mind. It's empty to missing nobody, to have nothing to talk about, to losing the passion.

Everyone has something they want. For me, I want to learn, I want to be pretty, I want to have a nice job and people look at me like "you deserve to be here", I want to live in the U.K...... and lots more. One of those things, it might be kind of weird but I want to love someone, more than someone loves me. Being loved feels good, but if I don't like that person, I only feel guilty. But if I love someone, there's a fire warming my heart, makes me have a strength to live.

The worst is, I don't have any strength right now.