2-1-2009

It's now the second day of 2010 and I can't wait to blog. Reason? because.... I JUST TALKED TO MARC!!!

I don't know why or what but there's a weird feeling inside me, not good or bad, but weird, strange...... yes, exactly, strange! I haven't talked to him for so long, it felt strange. But then it went pretty well.

I asked him what was the most stupid thing he did in 2009, he said "not talk to you for like 1-3 months :(" it went straight to my heart, but my brain told me that maybe he was lying. Seriously, he didn't seem like he was. He was so sweet, I'm still smiling for that.

But the fact is, too many people have lain to me, I don't trust anyone at all. No one keep their promises , or say what they really think, at least not in my world.

Does Marc love me? Yes for sure, there's proof, and I believe him.

When Marc asks himself "Does Winnie love me?", that'd probably be no. I love him, but I don't have proof. He told his mom and friends about me, and they know me as well. But me, I told my friends about him but I didn't introduce him to them, I have reasons that my friends don't speak English but I still feel guilty, sinned and sorry.

Does Marc trust me? He has been through a lot, if I defend myself so protectively, then he must do the same much more than I do.

I'm always scared to say something wrong, specially when I'm talking to Marc. I don't know what should I say or what shouldn't I say. I asked for his address, he said he needed a permission from his mom. I felt like I was a dangerous person who would go and burn down their house. I understand why--because they all know me via the Internet. But I didn't expect that Marc would be so careful, I mean, when I asked other people before, they gave me their addresses without asking anything.

I wish my brain can stop thinking so suspiciously, it's killing me.

My brain has the ability to stop my heart after all. Remember all those times that my brain told my heart to do good, but it wouldn't listen, and turned out I got hurt so badly? My heart is so weak and my brain is more active, it's controlling me, not just about Marc, also the others, I don't feel right. I've followed too many rules lately, I don't want to be like this.

When I saw Marc I threw all my works away, but school is starting soon and I still have a bunch of shit need to finish...... Ugh!