2-11-2009

My life is a mess.

I don't know where to start, I've always wanted to write something and I did get ideas, sentences came up on my mind, but when I told myself to type it here, they were all gone.

I got my tests results back. I have 2 tests and 2 exams a year. They're all important, specially this year.

After I had my paper finished, I thought I did a good job. But this week when I got my result back, it was nice, but not good enough as I expected. 2 people got higher marks than I did. One was the bitch I compared with last year, she lost terribly, so I thought I didn't have to put so much attention on her. I focused on Justin, who studied in Ireland for 2 years.

I didn't beat Justin, he got 105/120, but mine was 103/120. I lost. I lost to a bitch who never deserves to be the second best, and Justin who studied in Ireland for 2 years.

If I was a bit more careful, I'd be the best. If I studied more before the test, I'd get more than 2 points. If I was more controlled, I'd not be so screw up right now....... If? There's no such a thing calls if. I think about "if" too much, I'm living in my imagination, I'm getting far away from reality.

I don't feel that bad when I knew I lost to Justin, he studied English in Ireland for 2 years, I studied English in Hong Kong for 2 years, so I'd rather give myself a little space to breathe than push myself to do something that can't be done. But I felt like hell when I knew that bitch got better result. As I said, she never deserves to be the second best. I learn much harder, I speak much more fluently, I write better, I listen to things that she can't even dream...... She can't even speak! Why she has the ability to beat me?!

I'm not quiting, she'll regret to laugh behind my back.

I still feel bad even I'm telling this to myself.

I cried on the way I got home. I was walking slowly when I was listening to Michael Jackson's songs, I listen to his voice every time when I mess things up. Then tears ran out from my eyes. I just let it drop, people stared, but who cares? I was in my own moment, tasting the feeling of losing.

Just last Saturday night I went out with my friends, I smoked, drank and partied all night long. I didn't go home that night, it was fun. Am I getting bad? Am I becoming those loser who let go of their lifes? No, definitely not. I'm not Jessica, I'm satisfied of how I live. I'm not her, I care about the others' feelings, I care about my family, my friends' feelings. And I'm not letting go yet. I made a mistake, I fucked up, but this situation will soon be changed.