10-6-2009

Kevin has been busy but I talked to him about how I felt on Sunday, now if he's busy or has to go, he would tell me. Not like 'I have to go' but like 'I have exams, need to study, talk to you later'.

Anyway, I had a strange feeling this morning when I was waking up from bed. It was like Kevin is not expecting me, why should I wake up so early? It's true, Kevin never expects me to talk to him, like I said he never needs me. It's just always me want to talk to him and expect him to be there.

Obviously, my mind is getting sensitive. It told me to let go, it told me I'm half-witted, it told me not to wake up so early and make myself tired just to say hello to him. Wake up at 5:00 a.m. makes me tired, sleepy, exhausted. But if Kevin talks to me in the morning, they're all gone.

A voice told me to sleep a little bit more, it knew I needed it. I really needed it but I insisted. The image is clear, the voice was right. I shouldn't wake up so hard, Kevin just told me he had to wash and go to bed.

I recognize that voice. That voice appears when I am hopeless, and sometimes even me don't know when. It shows up once when Kevin vanished during his exams, like 3 weeks or above. I couldn't stand that, I was totally hopeless.

Then, when I saw a boy was getting out of MTR from school, a foreign boy, a blond hair boy, that voice told me that I should get to know him. He might displace Kevin. And so, I waited at that station for 90 minutes and finally saw him. He was walking so fast, while I was chasing behind him, that voice asked me 'you just have one shot, do you really want to do this?' It appeared on my head for 2 seconds and then I answered it, 'yes'.

I gave that boy my phone number and my MSN, he's from Norway, he would go back on late June. His name is Sigvart. He cannot displace Kevin. Honestly, I don't even like him. He's not that attractive as I first saw him. He doesn't have a clear voice or have a cute personality.

Not long later, Kevin ended his exams and went back to me. So I was good again. What an irony.

Now I'm feeling hopeless somehow so that voice shows up again. I don't notice I need any help. Maybe because I'm having a pretty school life and have too much things to do. Or maybe I just don't want to think about it which makes me feel like I'm alright.

The fact is I'm not okay. So my mind gives me advice. That voice is a guided voice which tells me something my brain wouldn't figure out. Thank you, my sensitive guided voice.