23-12-2009

My father wanted to have breakfast with me this morning, and so we went to a restaurant that near our home.

I hadn't been with him alone for a long time... maybe for years? I can't remember. Every Sunday my mum and I have breakfast with him, I avoid spending time with him alone. I do love my dad, but also scared of him, unreasonably.

I took a close look at him, which I hadn't done since long ago. He got old. He used to have lots and lots of long hair, I held them and slept inside them when I was little. I felt safe. Probably that's why I still love guys with long hair. Now dad's hair is starting to fall off, and he cut it short, but he doesn't seem to care.

I wouldn't consider my dad as a funny person, but my mum enjoys his jokes. However, I can still understand why my mum would fall in love with him. My dad is different, no matter how old he turns, he still is. He acts like a man from the inner side, looking mature. He's not young, but I still see fire in his eyes, burning, like he could still earn the world. His lips are a bit dark, telling people his long life. I think that's because he smokes too much, and drinks a lot, but don't get me wrong, he's not an alcoholic.

I can imagine his charm when he was young.

I had wondered why my father likes to eat with me so much, until he asked "did your mum teach you to eat like this?" I said yes. And I knew why. I eat just like my mum. I'm a shadow of her, dad could see it, too.

I walked home by myself as he needed to go to work. I was think how good it'd be if I were still a little child, who knows nothing, with only joy and fun. I started to think a lot since I knew how to work my brain, scared myself all the time, the ignorant me... My childhood ended real quick, silently. I loved the time with mum and dad, I still want those time. I miss my childhood, miss how my dad and I got along, miss those times that can't appear again.

Am I still a little girl? A little girl who needs mum and dad to protect? I need to grow up, I know it, I did it, but still, I can't stop my feelings.