18-10-2009

I haven't spoken to Marc for weeks, maybe even a month. I already forgot how long.

I messaged him on facebook twice, but he didn't respond much. He said he loved me, but I feel like he wants to end this. To leave me like abandoning a toy.

He'd at least send me messages if he cares about me.

Maybe he's just having lots of work.

So much work that can't even send me a short message?

I'm going crazy, I don't know what's on his mind! I don't want I am! What position should I play? A web friend? A web girlfriend? I'd never be his real girlfriend, it can't work out, we're too far away, and he loves his games more than anything.

Maybe I should just be like Egg, a girl in Boy Proof, the book I recently reading. Or be like Victor, in Write Naked. To be invisible, to stay under the radar. Once again, the fact is I can't.

I've been depressed lately, a pretty long while actually. Not just because being ignored by Marc, also stress from school.

School is treating us like we're cheap Chinese laborers. At least they do it to my class. WORK! WORK! WORK!!!!

I worked until midnight everyday in the pass few weeks, and woke up at 5:30 in the morning to see if I could meet Marc. Of course he didn't show up. It wasn't not his fault not showing up, but I was disappointed by having failure every time.

It's not good to let an unhealthy person sleep only 5 to 6 hours a day for such a long time. I was so exhausted. It's like my mind is telling me to stay awake, but my body can't afford such energy. I had coffee, lots of coffee, it almost replaced water.

I was so scared to get home. I could only keep working with a dead brain. I needed to sleep but I couldn't, I'd not be able to keep up if I spent the study time on sleeping. I wanted to sleep so much, my bed looked so soft, so comfortable, so relaxing, that I scared to get on and leave my work behind.

I've been stressed out. I cried for a couple of times to let emotions out, but then I fell asleep too soon, so the next day I was still upset. And on and on. Sometimes I even cried on my way to school. I didn't cover my face, nor my tears. Nothing would happen, no one knew me, no one would ask me any questions. I told myself to stop when I almost arrived school, I'd never want anyone come to me and think if I need any help.

School always does it, to provide shit we don't want, and ignore the really help we need.

So lucky, I am now so free. I forgot how long haven't I had an easy weekend. The pass weeks felt like hell. Stress only made my days more shitty, but it was everywhere, made me couldn't breathe. It felt like I was in a car, driving across a bridge, it suddenly lost control, then fell into ocean. The car was drowned by water, the pressure made the door shut tight. There was no way out. I held my breath, struggling. And somehow I survived.